You know you’ve been in Hainan to long if……….. 

1. You smile at random strangers, forgetting that you're drooling beetle nut juice all over your shirt..
2. You can sense when people nearby are eating packaged roasted beetle nut because of the smell.
3. Your teeth are stained a mix of red from beetle nut and yellow from cheap cigarettes.
4. You can taste the difference between the various types of Anchor.
5. You know the alcohol percentage of all available beers and always check to make sure it’s the 640ml bottle. (not the new 500ml)
6. You hold your baby over a bin or drain to piss
7. Your children don’t wear diapers but instead wear trousers with a hole cut around the ass
8. You think a suit is an all purpose item of clothing that can be warn for anything from farming to going to the beach.
9. You think that no matter the condition or quality of a suit, wearing it makes you look rich.
10. You have a large beeper and huge set of keys attached to your belt.
11. You think growing a long finger nail is cool because its useful for scratching and shows you don’t have to work with your hands.
12. You think Jiefung Lu has a fantastic range of stylish and fashionable clothes
13. When buying clothes, shoes or food, the store is rubbish unless it has loud blasting techno music from the early 1990s
14. You like the new supermarket fukuludo because the vegetable prices are the same as first market and as the supermarket has a roof and shopping carts you think the vegetables there are better.
15. You’ve given up buying overpriced western branded razor blades and instead find a Chinese alternative that doesn’t really work but is much cheaper than the western version.
16. You think Haikou is modern city and going there is a great way to spend a weekend.
17. Your idea of a good night out consists of street bbq, lots of Anchor beer drank from small plastic condom like glasses, a trip to a very loud club playing shit music, singing loudly and badly at the KTV and finally taking a three wheel motor bike taxi down to Sanya Port for a ‘massage’.
18. You’ve climbed both Mount Wuzhishan and Seven Fairy Mountain.
19. You have ‘Forever Tropical Paradise’ tattooed on your back.
20. You complain about the good old days when dadonghai beach was clean
21. You don’t notice construction noise.
22. You think one headlight is sufficient
23. You get jealous at the old ladies in pajamas who go through the trash and take out your used plastic bottle-their stealing your 0.1 mao. Ten bottles after all is 1 yuan.
24. You think the ‘pajama plastic bottle ladies’ are involved in a conspiracy because nobody else knows where the hell the recycling plant is.
25. You hate Rainbow for their seasonal pricing but go there for a beer to complain about it.
26. You still hope that one day you’ll finally meet a westerner who’s visited Hainan and thinks “wow this place is a great holiday destination, complete value for money, I’ll be back next year”
27. You’ve been robbed or pick-pocketed more than once
28. You think that a policeman’s job is to sit on a brand new police bike with the lights flashing, eating beetle nut while watching complete chaos but doing nothing about it.
29. You’ve seen at least two Italian restaurants go bankrupt
30. You laugh at new foreigners from Shanghai who tell you about their latest plan to start a business in Sanya.
31. You expect to see rats running next to you when you eat street bbq
32. You’ve stopped eating seafood because its both crap and way overpriced
33. You know the Chinese names for all the fruits and in which season they are cheapest
34. You have one ‘nice’ lady who you always buy fruit from, she only charges you double
35. You wonder where local people get the money from to own so many brand new cars
36. You know that a car with a white number plate with a black G as the first letter means the driver has a license to whatever he wants.
37. Actually you know that every driver has a license to do whatever they want but the ones with white plates take priority.
38. Your on first name terms with the people at the foreign expert office of the PSB
39. You complain about the tightening visa restrictions and tell everyone that you still hope it was only for the Olympic games and that the government just hasn’t got around to loosening the restrictions yet
40. You’ve been impressed by how fast the Haikou-Sanya bullet train track has been erected but doubt the safety of the track and will wait until the train’s been running a while before you take it.
41. You can’t swim but will give it ago anyway- you’ve watched Phelps in the Olympics and don’t want to lose face in front of your sun umbrella carrying girlfriend-how hard can it be?
42. You stare at other unfamiliar western looking people and wonder what the hell they are doing here.
43. You warn other westerns to ‘leave before its too late’
44. You know that number 9 is the best at ‘massage’
45. You think lining the streets with coconut trees is a good idea- its not as if falling coconuts cause accidents
46. You stop to watch the roadside big screen TV in heavy traffic
47. You think that the best way to drain a flooded road is to drill big holes in the tarmac
48. Despite seeing 3 other cars of the exact same model as your car stuck in the flood waters, you accelerate and decide to give it a try anyway
49. You advise visiting friends to stay in the tall Chinese local hotel in dadonghai because the 170 rmb hostels are a rip-off.